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October 14, 2012

Never mind the buttocks, here's the sentencing pistols

220px-Never_Mind_the_BollocksThe title of this post represents my lame-ass attempt to devise a post title that is as humorous and as dirty as this federal criminal justice story sent to me by a kind reader.  The headline of the story is "Feds Bust Man Who Returned Used Enemas; Floridian indicted for tampering with CVS product," and here is the disturbing tale of the tail:

A Florida man has been indicted on a federal product tampering charge for allegedly returning used enemas to the shelves of the CVS pharmacy where he purchased the items.  Ronald Eugene Robinson is accused in an indictment unsealed ... in U.S. District Court in Jacksonville....

According to prosecutors, Robinson bought several “pre-packaged CVS Pharmacy Ready-to-Use enemas” between April and June of this year.  After using the enemas, he placed them back into their boxes, resealed the containers, and returned the products for refunds.

The used enemas, reshelved by CVS workers, were subsequently sold to unsuspecting customers. The federal indictment charges that Robinson acted with “reckless disregard” and placed others “in danger of death or bodily injury.”...

The tampering probe was launched in June when a CVS employee told Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office deputies that a male customer -- who had bought and returned enemas on several occasions -- had tampered with a box.  The pharmacy worker, Dustin McDonald, said that the customer claimed that he purchased the enemas for his mother, but “she no longer needed them,” according to a Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office report.

When the suspicious McDonald decided to “check the box of enemas to be sure that they were not tampered with,” he “observed that all the enemas were used.”  The worker also noticed that, “the unknown white male…re-glued the bottom of the box so that it appeared that it had not been opened.”

McDonald then opened three other six-pack enema boxes on the store’s shelves and found that “all the enemas in each of the 3 boxes were previously used,” deputies noted.  An analysis of the used products revealed that, “fecal matter was located on some of the returned enema bottles.”

If convicted of the felony rap, Robinson faces a maximum of ten years in prison and a $250,000 fine.  Robinson, who is currently on state probation, has a lengthy rap sheet that includes arrests for burglary, battery, passing bad checks, damage to property, and criminal mischief.

The reader who sent me the link to this story asked, "What will the Guidelines be for such a crappy offense?". In turn, I could not help butt wonder if the accused might be getting a bum rap. Some other posterior jokes in the comments to the linked story include: "He got what was coming to him in the end" and "Good detective work by the CVS employee, flushed him out" and "Public Enema #2."

Of course, everyone is encouraged to come up with additional crappy jokes about the crime and potential sentencing in this case.

October 14, 2012 at 10:07 PM | Permalink


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I hate to say it, but in the words of many of my clients, this guy's going to get a shit sentence. Lame, I know, but at this time on a Monday arvo I, as we say in Oz, "couldn't be arsed" thinking more about it. Keep well, and love the Bollocks graphic. Great album.

Posted by: Mark Kernich | Oct 15, 2012 2:05:26 AM

why go through all the trouble of a trial.

Just take him out back and put his enemas back...just this time in the holes in the other end.

Posted by: rodsmith | Oct 15, 2012 1:24:44 PM

For this h-anus offense, he should be sent to the penal colon-y.

Posted by: Gray R. Proctor | Oct 16, 2012 12:13:08 AM

And I'd like to say that "tampering probe" in the text of the article is pretty funny, too.

Posted by: Gray R. Proctor | Oct 16, 2012 12:14:38 AM

his base offense level is 25. 2N1.1 not so funny anymore. Thats only two levels below attempted murder not in the first degree. 2A2.1

Posted by: KRG | Oct 16, 2012 12:26:58 PM

Job well done guys, quality information.

Posted by: Chad Kowalski | Oct 22, 2012 11:36:39 AM

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